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As people grow older, it is inevitable that they will experience the death of a loved one.

Losing a partner

Losing a partner can be one of the most difficult things someone may ever have to face.

For many lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) people, the usual challenges of bereavement can be exacerbated by families and institutions that do not accept their relationships.

For many older LGB people, families of origin are accepting and supportive of their relationships. But that’s not always true. Families may have been hostile to the relationship. For some older LGB people, the death of a partner may be the first time the family becomes aware of the true nature of the relationship. Death may reveal an individual’s sexual orientation or gender identity, and the details of a relationship that may not conform to society’s norms. For the remaining partner, managing coming out whilst also grieving can be extremely challenging.

Many relationships may have lasted for 20, 30 or 40 years. Grieving partners deserve respect and recognition and need to express their grief in a way which is right for them. Our cultural backgrounds can inform how we think about death and dying.

As the grieving partner, you will probably feel lonely and isolated. You’ve lost a mate, lost their companionship, you may have even lost your connection to LGBT communities. After the busyness of dealing with their death, you may find yourself with lots of time to spare, particularly if you were their carer. You must adjust to being a single person, and you may find that you don’t get invited or included in events as you did when you were part of a relationship.

Funerals, wakes and celebrations

The process of dealing with the death of a loved one can be stressful for LGB people. You may worry about who will be handling your loved one and whether they are treating their body with respect. You may worry that the funeral process will refer to your loved one by the wrong gender or use the wrong name. You may worry about the financial cost of a funeral.

If grief is overwhelming you, ask a trusted friend to help support you and try to ensure that the funeral honours the full life of your loved one. You may also be able to rely on documents you and your partner developed as part of end-of-life planning.

Read more on our "Future Planning" page.

Support

Many older LGB people find grief support groups or grief counselling very helpful. But in some settings, you may struggle to be recognised as having lost a partner. Some faith-based or community organisations can be limited by conventional ways of thinking about intimate relationships, gender identities and bodies. If possible, ask LGB friends to recommend LGB-friendly counsellors and groups, or contact your local LGBTI organisation for support. Community members with experience of the HIV and AIDS epidemic may be able to offer helpful insight into bereavement and grief.

Talk to friends and chosen family members. Having open conversations allows you to express your emotions, find different ways of understanding your situation and let others support you.

Even if you have lots of people around you, grief can make you feel lonely. Take it easy. Be gentle on yourself. There’s no rush, but later you may want to reconnect with LGBTI communities.

Read more in our "Staying Connected" information sheet.

More information

• Relationships Australia - How to Find an LGBTQIA+ Inclusive Counselling Service.
• QLife - provides free Australia-wide anonymous, LGBTIQ+ support. Call 1800 184 527 between 3pm – midnight every day. The QLife website also provides a directory of local organisations, listed by state and territory.